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The words are heavy as lead in my mouth. His arms around her waist, her face against his face and the smile that should have been mine. I can't look but I can't turn away. The air around me is thick and I can't draw a single breath.

Our past is complicated by all the words unsaid that tangle in knotted strings and choke up any chance of us making things right. I sit here and tell you I forgive you, even though you never asked for it. Even though you'll never hear it. Because I forgive you for giving up on me.
Not us. Me.
And sometimes I hate you for it, and other times I detest you for it. But these days I'm just too tired to waste more feelings on you.

Nowadays I want to look at you and not feel the same pang from all those years ago. I want to look at you and not be consumed by the hollowness that consumes me when I realise you're not looking back. I don't want to feel a thing when you laugh and smile at me, because I don't want to remember a time when that would have meant something. I want to feel nothing when I'm with you, and even less when I'm not. I want to nothing you.
shit that keeps me up at night.
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April 6, 2011
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